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My Diary 31/01/2022 Part 2

I am not sure what or how I am ..

I am not sure what or how I am feeling at this time. I see the world outside as gray, the colors have faded. This is another start to another week of waiting. I pray for my dad, he is in hospice care at Tabitha. I never thought he would fall to Alzheimer’s. When I moved back I did not realize things would be this way. I knew my dad was having problems but not like this. I had to see it. I have been here for almost 3 ½ years now. The first year I was here was trying. I started to see my dad change in ways I never saw before. His short term memory was going at times. I thought it might be age. Sometimes he would stumble around because he “lost his footing” he would say. There were times he would publicly embarrass Linda and me, thinking he was being funny. He would even say to the cashier at Walmart can I jew you down a dollar. I would apologize to the cashier. I would also ask him in the car not to say that because you will offend someone. He would laugh about it. I finally had enough and moved out into my own apartment down the street a year later. I stayed at that apartment for a year and would go back and forth helping my dad and Linda with what ever they needed. My dad had bumped is head on the wall and had to go to the emergency room to get looked at. They did a cat scan on his head and tended to his cut. He had a doctors appointment 2 weeks later on that. I took him and the doctor went over his cat scan results and found that he has brain atrophy. The doctor explained what that meant but my dad did not understand a word that was said. My dad started to get worse during that year. He was falling more and have problems remembering things. So I moved back in. Soon after, he would go into the garage and wander around out there with a confused look on his face. I asked him if he needed help looking for anything. No he would say, I would convince him to come back in the house. He did that a lot. He also had problems with vertigo. Sometimes that would stop him in his tracks and would not be too active for a few days. There were times he would be sitting at the dining room table and he would make facial expressions that I did not understand. I would ask him are you ok, and he would say he was in deep thought. It looked like he did not know what was going on or where he was at or who I was. I was reading about Alzheimer’s during that period of time. There were times I would be outside shoveling snow and he came outside to help. I would plead with him to go back inside. I did not want him to fall I said. After I got back in the house I would tell him that one day you are going to fall and you are not going to be able to pick back up and we will have to call an ambulance. I also told him that there may be a chance that the doctor may not let you come back home because of the fall. He would not listen to anyone. Linda and I were talking about the option of nursing care or nursing home care. Unfortunately my dad was not in bad enough shape that they would consider nursing care from what the staff at the centers said. That was more than upsetting. The day came Dec 3 2021 when my dad had the worse fall ever. He went into the back part of the house to his bedroom and then to the bathroom. I did not see him for about 30 minutes so I Linda and I thought I should go look so I did. I found him on his back on the floor in the bathroom. He said I was screaming and yelling yet Linda and I could not hear him. I yelled call the ambulance he is down and can’t get up. He was taken to the E.R. and stayed there for 2 days. Linda and I were not pleased that they let my dad come back home and we voiced concern over it. He was moving very slow and was in so much pain that he was yelling at times. Linda and I were taking turns watching him, I would help him dress and use the bathroom, making sure he was eating what he could. Dec 10 2021 the worse happened. I was watching my dad and he seemed to have problems breathing. I asked if he was ok and he told me that he was having problems breathing and that his left arm felt funny. I look at Linda and tell her I do not like what I am hearing I am going to call it in again. My dad did not want me to but I did anyway. The ambulance came yet again and took him to the hospital. They took him to the major hospital in the city. About 4 hours later. Linda and I had to go down there to fill out paper work to admit him. The nurse told Linda that if I did not call the ambulance when I did, my dad would have died then and there. He was having a heart attack. Tests at the hospital revealed A-Fib with his heart. He stayed there for a couple of days and fell yet again. This time x-rays were taken and it was found out that he had a cracked pelvis and a few cracked ribs. The hospital called us a few days later and had told us he had a emotional meltdown so they evaluated him and diagnosed him as bipolar as well. It was clear to the doctors that this situation was serious and they decided to admit him to Tabitha Skilled Nursing Memory Care. That is were he has been for just over a year now. It did not take long for his health to deteriorate to the point of hospice care. I have a hard time with this, why in the fucking hell did the E.R. just keep him a couple of days!!! He could have died then. Oh let me guess he was 85 years old. I bet if I flashed 100 dollar bills at them they would have done their job. Or is it easier just to let someone die, turn around in the same breath and say we did all we could for him. This is taking a toll on Linda and I as well. The financial end is a nightmare. The system that is suppose to help doesn’t. We pay 80% of the bill the system pays 20% of his care. They say it’s because of his retirement. We were never made of money. Medicaid is not what it’s cracked up to be. They truly could care less. However if this happens to one of them, all of a sudden it’s a crime. Nothing like being victimized by the monster they helped create. But through this Linda and I are working through this together and we have each other.

My Diary 31/01/2022

One time, I lived in the desert.

Then I had this brilliant I deal that I would kill myself. I forget the exact reason why. I think I was extremely depressed with my life and I was receiving bruises and threats by machete that I would be killed by my partner at the time or something similarly emotional. But I didn’t do drugs at the time or want to do something that people would look down upon me for. I wanted to preserve my values and kill myself in the most humane way I could possibly think of.

So I decided to drink so much water I would die of drinking too much water.

I know.. sounds stupid, right?

So from the morning I must have drank three gallons of water from the get go. It was easy because I rode a bicycle all day for work and had a camel pack that I used to drink from. I would fill the sack up every delivery I made and by the end of my shift, I was peeing out my butt. I could feel every cell in my body bloated with water. I felt like barfing, and I did.
Everything and anything that came out of me was crystal clear. I was filled to the brim with water. I was drowning from the inside out.
When I got off my shift at work, I was surprised to still be conscious. I was out of my free unlimited water supply even though I was trying so hard to get to that goal of water poisoning and failing organs. I managed to ride my way out of work and onto the campus where I finally fell over and clipped out of my bike, off a curb and basically into a bush.

There I saw a small honey bee. Struggling to stay alive. Maybe it was attacked by that invisible bee dis-ease that was killing off the colonies. Maybe it was shunned out from it’s colony. Who knows. Whatever it was, it piqued my interest. The last remaining energy I had to stay conscious was all focused on that bee.. I was laying on the ground in the parking lot by a curb and halfway into a bush, just watching that bee struggle to fly. Strive to live. And all I wondered was why.
Why did it have to be this fucking bee staring at me when all I planned for that day was to die.
Why did one of my old dreams have to slap me subconsciously and say *whap!
“Remember me?”
“I used to be one of your dreams!”
“Didn’t you want to become a bee keeper?”
“Oh right, I guess that’ll never happen because your going to die today”

And then I had this anger. It sparked a passion. I was pissed at myself for forgetting what I really wanted to do in life.
Why the fuck was I cutting myself short, riding a bike for some fat meat eater that goes and hunts endangered species? Why am I expending my energy feeding this fat asses dreams? I quit my job that week and did alot of different things.
I went back to pro photography.

Pro means you make your full income off of something by the way, it doesn’t mean you have to like what you do or even be good at it. It just means you pay all your bills and some with your chosen career path.

I went backpacking in Mexico for a month.
I danced in the bars and tried to camp on the beach until I saw the shine of machetes and the looks they were giving me. Then I made a friend and tagged along with the coins I had in my pocket, following after them as their personal chef who cooks and eats for free so I could keep my savings in the states to fly to Japan when I got back.

And lo and behold. I was snagged up by the next opportunist that loved an adventurer. Love caught me off guard and I was distracted. So distracted that I didn’t value my self enough to keep healthy boundaries, got lost in my dreams and passions, and became a baby maker. I love my children, but life got a lot more… Responsible after having them. I loved being the stay at home mama, focusing on teaching them Japanese, English, and manners.. but the more I loved them, the more I was allowing myself to be hurt by someone I believed I could trust. The last several months of Japan and then moving to Hawaii became a hell to me. I questioned why I was being put through this. Why did I deserve this, what did I do in life to be treated so..and I never got an answer. I felt stuck. Two children, no electricity, no running water, not even standing water to collect from, my cell phone was being paid for and was supposed to be mine, but I had no control of it. I felt guilty calling my parents because I was supposed to hate them. I couldn’t drive the car. I felt like a sex slave. Like one of those blow up dolls. I swear, I was trained up like a good bitch that could suck dick for 2 hours and spray all over the bed. I hate dick now. I could only think of doing that again for love, but will I? Open that Pandora’s box again? Will I open my heart to be stabbed or held gently, lovingly, tightly? Trust is a two edged sword… I thought I could keep it up if I could just be a good girl, everything would be okay. If I could just keep it together enough when he was around, maybe he would keep his job and we could actually have a chance at a good life. If I could just shut up and not question what happened to my credit cards and savings and what was he spending my living inheritance on, what he buys from the stores, or where he was going at night, maybe I could just be okay. If I could just be okay that he didn’t want to talk to me at all for the day, I could get by. If I let him call me Stu for “stupid” I could smile another day for my children.

..I just couldn’t handle it when I saw the blood of my baby on his hands. I had to do something.

I told him to get out and not come back for two nights. I was heavily contemplating suicide again. This time it would be one of the most painful ways to die: by noose. The only thing stopping me was that I didn’t know how to tie one, and I was with my baby, so if I was going to do it, I should time it for when he would return home so my poor baby won’t be crying for a day and a half.
No phone.. no electricity.. no water.. I sat there in the daylight after putting my baby to sleep for a nap and punched myself in the face repeatedly until I heard a crack and the pain made me come to my senses. I actually broke part of my nose. I left the bloody tissues in a bowl and left to go on a walk to find internet. Maybe If I can just get to the internet I can get help.. maybe I can learn how to tie a real noose that tightens so Im not tempted to un-strangle myself.
Wait.. but who would help me out here in Butt Fuck Egypt?? I life in crazy psycho subdivision. There is no cafes here, no free wifi anywhere. Noone to let me use their phone. Ugh. What do I do..

I walk 20 fucking miles with a broken toe that I injured like 8 months prior. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t go to church.. I didn’t believe in God anymore.. my life was just.. I don’t even know.. it wasnt even a life. I was dying inside. But I knew the closest people that lived to me owned a temple and did a bunch of spiritual study in Krishna Consciousness. So I pushed the stroller down the highway and walked all the way there. I stayed for dinner. I cried so hard. My trust was broken. My respect was gone. I felt walked on, trampled upon. Treaded on.. I had no desire to see hear or understand what this person was trying to convey to me with their actions. No matter how honest and loyal I was, it never changed the scenario for me. It just got worse. It sure as hell wasn’t love.. anymore..

I don’t know what happened, but one day I woke up to “Im going to go pray”
I think God in some way shape or form got me out of that situation without physically injuring anyone. He left that morning and crashed the car. Totaled it in a ditch. Ran outside, stripped naked, and ran towards the beach there “the Hawaiians were going to stone him to death”

After that day, I was able to change my life. I was a wreck, but I never had to sleep in the same house again. I got to keep my children.

Now I thank God everyday for them, they remind me that I’m blessed that they’re teaching me to grow my future and stay on track with routine, not fall into despair..

…because I’m the only one they got.

I lived life as a survivalist after that. I had no car, but I had a phone. No water or electricity, but my mom was on my side again. I felt her hands wiping my tears again, her skinny figure and bony embrace, the solace of my mother. I felt like a person again, reviving from the ashes of a dead me. The old me. Naive, openly loving and accepting.. Someone who no longer exists.
Now I am the Phoenix who rose out of the death of my former self. With the help of my mother, whom I love so dearly and owe my current foundation of a healthful mindset to, and my sister, who helped me clean up and build on top of that foundation to make me who I am today. A strong willed individual hopeful and determined to live a sustainable life where I am not a bother to anyone but myself, supporting myself in all aspects because I don’t need pity. I need love.

I just want to thank the person who did first introduce me to Krishna Consciousness.. I do appreciate that connection to that community. But I don’t feel any debts owed towards that person for any reason whatsoever. And I want to thank my Sifu, for giving me the belief that all religions point to the same direction. He truly did show me what it’s like to understand a real fatherly figure energy.

I hope this helps anyone out there..

Regarder Fargo Saison 4 Episode 11 Soustitre

Fargo Saison 4 Episode 11: Storia Americana

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Fargo Saison 4 Episode 11 Soustitre

Résumé Fargo Saison 4 Episode 11:
Josto se venge, Oraetta est honnête et Ebal donne à Loy une leçon sur les affaires.

Titre: Fargo Saison 4 Episode 11
Titre de l'épisode: Storia Americana
Date de sortie: 29 Nov 2020
Durée: 45 minutes
Genres: Crime, Drame
Réseaux: FX

Fargo:
Une série d'anthologies très soudées traitant d'histoires de malice, de violence et de meurtre basées dans et autour du Minnesota.

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Regarder The Outpost Saison 3 Episode 8 Soustitre

The Outpost Saison 3 Episode 8: Mourir est douloureux

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The Outpost Saison 3 Episode 8 Soustitre

Résumé The Outpost Saison 3 Episode 8:
Talon fait face à des émotions difficiles car la mort semble être la seule réponse pour sauver ses amis. L'avant-poste devient une arène de combat alors qu'un vieil ennemi libère un pouvoir sombre entre des mains sans méfiance.

Titre: The Outpost Saison 3 Episode 8
Titre de l'épisode: Mourir est douloureux
Date de sortie: 29 Nov 2020
Durée: 45 minutes
Genres: Drame, Fantastique
Réseaux: The CW

L'avant-poste:
Talon est un survivant. Dernière de la race Blackblood, elle a également enduré la destruction de tout son village par une bande de missionnaires brutaux. Des années après cette attaque décisive, elle se rend dans une forteresse anarchique aux confins du monde civilisé, à la recherche des personnes qui ont tué sa famille. En faisant le voyage, elle découvre qu'elle possède un mystérieux pouvoir surnaturel qu'elle doit maintenant apprendre à contrôler, non seulement pour se sauver mais pour défendre le monde contre la tyrannie d'un dictateur religieux fanatique.

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Regarder The Walking Dead: World Beyond Saison 1 Episode 9 Soustitre

The Walking Dead: World Beyond Saison 1 Episode 9: La coupe la plus profonde

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The Walking Dead: World Beyond Saison 1 Episode 9 Soustitre

Résumé The Walking Dead: World Beyond Saison 1 Episode 9:
Une série de revers amène un membre du groupe à réévaluer son rôle dans la mission. Quelqu'un fait une découverte incroyable. Une révélation surprenante jette tout sous un nouveau jour.

Titre: The Walking Dead: World Beyond Saison 1 Episode 9
Titre de l'épisode: The Deepest Cut
Date de sortie: 29 Nov 2020
Durée: 60 minutes
Genres: Drame, Science-fiction, Fantastique
Réseaux: AMC

The Walking Dead: Monde au-delà:
Un groupe héroïque d'adolescents à l'abri des dangers du monde post-apocalyptique quitte la sécurité de la seule maison qu'ils aient jamais connue et se lance dans un voyage à travers le pays pour trouver l'homme qui peut éventuellement sauver le monde.

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Regarder The Spanish Princess Saison 2 Episode 8 Soustitre

The Spanish Princess Saison 2 Episode 8: Paix

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The Spanish Princess Saison 2 Episode 8 Soustitre

Résumé The Spanish Princess Saison 2 Episode 8:
Alors qu'Henry se perd dans la folie, les enjeux n'ont jamais été aussi élevés pour Katherine - son mari est devenu une menace pour sa vie.

Titre: The Spanish Princess Saison 2 Episode 8
Titre de l'épisode: Peace
Date de sortie: 29 Nov 2020
Durée: 60 minutes
Genres: Drame
Réseaux: Starz

La princesse espagnole:
La belle princesse espagnole, Catherine d'Aragon, navigue dans la lignée royale d'Angleterre avec un œil sur le trône.

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Regarder His Dark Materials Saison 2 Episode 4 Soustitre

His Dark Materials Saison 2 Episode 4: La tour des anges

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His Dark Materials Saison 2 Episode 4 Soustitre

Résumé His Dark Materials Saison 2 Episode 4:
À la recherche du couteau, Will et Lyra tentent d'entrer dans la Torre Degli Angeli. Lee trouve Grumman - ou Jopari, comme il est maintenant connu - et ils prennent leur envol à la recherche du porteur de couteau.

Titre: His Dark Materials Saison 2 Episode 4
Titre de l'épisode: Tour des anges
Date de sortie: 29 Nov 2020
Durée: 60 minutes
Genres: Drame, Science-fiction, Fantastique
Réseaux: BBC One

Ses matériaux sombres:
Lyra est une orpheline qui vit dans un univers parallèle dans lequel la science, la théologie et la magie sont liées. La recherche par Lyra d'un ami kidnappé révèle un sinistre complot impliquant des enfants volés et se transforme en une quête pour comprendre un phénomène mystérieux appelé Dust. Elle est ensuite rejointe dans son voyage par Will, un garçon qui possède un couteau capable de couper les fenêtres entre les mondes. Alors que Lyra apprend la vérité sur ses parents et son destin prophétisé, les deux jeunes gens sont pris dans une guerre contre des puissances célestes qui s'étend sur de nombreux mondes.

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